Gloaming
Colette Love Hilliard
​Down 1. Your mother is starting to forget
where she put her address book and that thing
she wanted to tell you yesterday. She says it
sucks getting old, and you already know.
You’re having trouble remembering the
wallpaper in your childhood bedroom or how
to say bird in Spanish. You look it up, pájaro,
and it’s not even familiar, not that it should
be, you’re not fluent, but you know there was
a unit on animals when you learned the
language 20 years ago, and birds are your
favorite. You wonder what else you will
forget, so you download Duolingo and hope
this will keep you from the same disease your
mom’s mom had.
2. The season of shattered hips is just around
the corner, so it’s time to start lifting weights
to prevent this.
4. You have it in your big toe. The reason?
Overuse. The irony? You were running for
your health. The upside? Now, you can
predict the changes in the weather.
5. Don't skip this exam. Even though it doesn't
run in your family, you've worn too many
pink ribbons for too many women who've had
to go to battle. When you go to your
appointment, you’ll sit in a room with about
eight other women, also braless, also nervous,
and you’ll think about the statistics. One of
you will be the reason for the ribbons soon.
Across 3. You've cried at least six times
before lunch and removed and replaced your
sweater twice that. Your brain is itchy, and
sweaty, and foggy, but for the hundredth time,
you're fine. Even though, of course, you're not
fine because that dog on Instagram who just
wanted kisses for his birthday didn't get any
because people were in a hurry, or didn't
notice, or didn't care, or it never really
happened because his influencer owner just
wanted likes, and why are you obsessing over
this when the world is burning?
6. When you think of this, you usually picture
a man’s hairline. You always thought it was
kind of sexy when this happened. You’d
imagine him wearing a navy cardigan while
he sits on the screened-in porch listening to
the news at a low hum because he’s also
solving today’s crossword puzzle. What is not
sexy? When it happens to your gums.
​
7. The doctor positions the ophthalmic
machinery at the bridge of your nose and asks
which line you can read.
a. If you can read this one, you’re under the age of:
8. You got your first gray hair at 12. You
thought it was so cool. Your dad was salt and
pepper too, and he was your hero. Then, all of
a sudden, there are too many strands to count,
and everyone keeps calling you this. It’s
crushing. While you sometimes complain
about how much gray you have, you secretly
thought it was pretty.
9. You’ve been reading these like a map on
your mother’s face for years, wondering who
was most responsible for the frown marks
fastened to her forehead and who made the
canyons of her laugh lines deepest. Now,
you’ve carved your own paths in every smile
and sob you’ve ever experienced. Some days,
they feel like a tribute to your heartbreak and
happiness. Other days, you’re researching
hyaluronic acid.
10. This is part of every season. In the spring,
the silky skin of the cherry blossoms gives
way to hearty leaves that hold on through the
wind and rain. An oasis becomes desert, and
eventually, the leaves return to the cold,
cracked earth to nourish next year’s
triumphant return. So as you shed elastic, and
muscle, and bone, and memory, you’ll be
reminded that this is just part of life.
Colette Love Hilliard is a writer and teacher from St. Louis, MO. She is the author of the blackout poetry book A Wonderful Catastrophe (Wood & Water Press, 2018), and her work has appeared in The Indianapolis Review, Sky Island Journal, Juste Milieu, and elsewhere. More of her work can be found on Instagram @colette.lh